Life shouldn’t be like this, I shouldn’t feel that I am working towards a meaningless and endless goal. It’s time for a change. I am going to get out of this and leave. I don’t like the direction that this has taken, I have no control over my life, full of ennui over my working condition. If that is the case, then grow up, take a stance and leave.

1 year.

I am bored.

I need to learn something outside of this bubble that allows me to be creative again.

Devoting myself to one company won’t cut it, and cannot cut it.

It has been, six month. Six month to recover from what has happened. It might have been quicker, had I taken a different route. Another six month to get back on track. Promotion year. Those days when I couldn’t deal with it anymore, and just pushed through. Someone needed to take me in and repair me. A new beginning within the same company, making a difference… perhapes. The birth and death of the day. Working under somone that was insane, has turned me insane too. Hatred will never leave, but it has subsided substantially.

I am alive, and learning again.

Being controlled like that, being watched by every single footstep you take. How could anyone live like that? I don’t exist in 1984, neither should you.

I almost feel the need to completely rehaul this site… It has been on hiatus for the past 6 years. Other than this blog, which is convered with my ramblings, it is pretty useless.

Another roommate is leaving, I always feel sad, unconditionally.

Overhaul is probably the best idea.

lin.

It has been awhile… even since I thought about building my portfolio, and starting my own design company. Everything still seems unfinished, and incomplete. The odd thing is, while watching everyone else’s achievements, where are mine?

I can step out to enjoy the afternoon, the Gay Pride Parade, and a number of other activities, but I have managed to coccon myself here, meaning to complete a list of activities that was never finished… but always thought of, somewhere lingering in my head. It has already been a year since I’ve started to work at Deloitte, and it has been a year since I’ve lived in this apartment, but within this year, has much changed? Have I accomplished something that I wish to gain? I’m only being to discover more and more problems, issues, conflicts. Am I ranting again? It seems right. A part of me really wants to go for a swim, to go out side and enjoy myself… but there are so many things that needs to be done. If that’s the case, when will they be done?

1. Design
2. Usability
3. Work
4. Work after work
5. Taking care of myself
6. Photography
7. Weight loss
8. Advertising
9. Learning
10. Self-improvement
11. Career
12. Finance
13. Real estate

This list just keeps on growing… too many lose threads, when will I be able to focus and accomplish something thought provoking? Go out, meet new people, develop a career, build on things, what else can I do? How should I focus… what do I want to accomplish? How should I prioritize.

Career.

My first focus. Which path do I want to take? Should I focus on one particular thing? Will consulting really get me there? What will help me establish myself? A portfolio? Take classes? How does it start? And how will it end? Questions, and never answers.

It’s a bit difficult to post here for the past couple of weeks. Tomorrow I have to call Virgin mobile again to re-set my password… the annoyance of it all.

The new project has been pretty fun. My teammates are supportive and friendly.

Maybe this is the end… let it be.

It’s difficult to post here on a consistent basis… especially when I get home, all I want to do is to carry on some equally brainless activities, such as, socializing or couch-potatoing. How should I explain myself to a friend whom no longer understands my world? That, time is scarce, and that I am consistently working against the clock? The portfolio… 6 years in the making? Maybe I should take the vacation, rent a house in the east coast, and just… finish it. But where do I start? How will it progress? What is the time frame? A writer with, what’s that word again, writer’s block, constantly pounding the pavement, in hopes that the cracked pavement will spring something anew. These are just jumbled thoughts and mangled ideas.

Time to drive back… for another busy Monday morning.

It’s difficult to cover you from head to toe. These thoughts, these emotions, are difficult to surface. But it is there, in a silent uproar. The mistakes that you silently judge, the actions that you rightfully accuse of. The mistakes, yet, they are embedded in yourself. Odd, how the balance is non-existent. If there is any moment that is not remembered, perhaps it is this.

This is my attempt at writing a longer post. There is no need, when the content is only surface deep. Much of what is inside, a shallow well. Cayman islands. Time to reflect and understand, pause to breathe. There is always time, but the energy to concentrate and work? Where have they gone? Flow away with the winter storm… Ideas, thoughts creativity, seems forced, and depressed. Suppressed. Memories, 1 2 3. Where have they flown to?

Remember the nights when you were able to fall asleep being aware of your existence? It’s difficult now to think of these things. There is an eagerness to go back and return to what was thought to be happiness. Perhaps acceptance is the best.

It’s difficult to feel creative again. Maybe it’s necessary to acknowledge that I have moved into a different stage of life, where design and artistic expression is left for the passionate… business cannot co-exist with lavish expression… and money cannot be painted. A bit sad, but as much as this is true, it can’t be true. The wakeup song.

That’s not my name.

There are too many things left to be done, but time seems to fly by and eagerness seems to be drowned by a simple desire to rest and maintain.